Escaping the 9-to-5 officegirl schtick

How appropriate is it I find myself more stuffed up than a 13-year old girl's bra in the middle of the weekend (when my good stay-home from work excuses were clearly scheduled to have arrived no later than Tuesday)? Sadly the boss doesn't look kindly on wild or sudden Bubonic plague claims anytime of the working week, which is somewhat ironic considering he's a rat, so I suppose I can girl-up and grind it and actually show up to work tomorrow. Yes, I know...bad economy boogymen are right-this-very-moment lurking in some dark alley somewhere, ready to jump out and remind me to be thankful to have a job I can weasel out of occasionally, and yet somehow its hard to be overjoyed about a job that sucks slightly more than a Taiwanese hooker on double-coupon night.

Okay. So I'm a bit better at bitching about my job than actually working it, thats not necessarily a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually good at what I do, or so I've managed to magically convince my boss on my last work evaluation, but isn't there something else easier than the 9-to-5 officegirl schtick (that didn't leave me more exhausted than a narcoleptic on Nyquil)? Something like...

• Renting my ovaries to some inpoverished racial stereotype on a overly complicated rent-to-own scheme that doesn't actually involve handing my baby-makers over (or "trying before you buy" options) until long after they've both shriveled up?
• Posing as the "before" model for some overnight informerical product.
• Hosting a yard sale in front of the local crackhouse. Thats right, tell your neighbors they too can get an awesome deal on the husband's old Dungeons and Dragons gaming supplies. Crack whores make awesome 12th level chaotic neutral paladins!
• Speaking of the local crackhouse, I've got five 1lb bags of forgotten sugar under the sink that I recently found as hard as a rock. Hmm....I wonder?
• Recyling old McDonald's toys...we've got hundreds! Sure, they're well played with and, in most cases, good only for stepping on while rushing to the bathroom at 2am, but they have to be worth something. Surely they take returns as long as I've got a receipt?
• Signing up for experimental medical guinea pig proceedures. Who knows, having three nipples could be fun (although finding a bra that'd fit afterwords could be a bitch).
• Becoming a safehouse for convicted criminals on the lam. They always pay in cash!
• Helping myself to the pension and life insurance of the old lady next door. Pfft, as often as her mail gets delivered to my house, she probably wouldn't even notice.
• Pawning the cats. Hey, Crazy Earl's Pawn shop claim they'll loan on ANYTHING...

Dishonorable (and completely creepy) suggestion via the hubster:

• Buying him a "Fleshlight" (if you don't know, ask a 13-year old) and then using it as a "transport medium" to sell sperm donations down at the sperm bank. Totally creepy!

Then again, all things considered, I might be best advised just to point my pucker to my cublicle and grind it out.  Its probably less work to look busy at work, and hey, I'm up for a raise soon!

Today's Positive: Had some awesome Indian food for lunch today after church. Okay, so I totally wimped out and ordered the "mild" flavor version, but then again; I'm such a spice wimp. Anything more than mild will probably leave me sweating more than a blind man in a prison shower.

Today's Negative: I got laughed at because I didn't know who was playing in the Superbowl today. Seriously, why should I know if I don't watch it? Am I the only one that doesn't care about football?

Currently Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast) By Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel see related

Forgive me Xanga, for I have sinned

Nevermind that keeping the kids away long enough to do a proper blog entry can be slightly more uncomfortable than a wearing burlap underwear with half a bottle of wasabi smeared on them. Considering that for the past year I have been jockeying two full-time jobs, two full-time (and particularly whiney) children...three if you count the furry gorilla with a wedding band that matches mine - its been nearly a year since I've actually blogged full time. Sure being so busy that one can watch the calender vibrate like a horny beagle jacked up on viagra is good and ranks right up there with sharing my bathwater with an electric eel, but gosh-darn it, I miss my blog time! Thanks to a complete lack of blogging, just the other day, I actually stumbled to make an inappropriate sexual metaphor about two gays in the office struggling to put a folding pink ladder in the utility closet...

...and thats just sad. 

Sure, I could blame others (and often do), but clearly I've been a victim of my own obsessive-compulsiveness. If I can't write a daily blog worthy of making the reader shart themselves just a little bit, I haven't wanted to write anything at all. Crazy, right? By the end of a 14-hour workday, I usually can't be bothered to wash a sink-load of dirty dishes or give the man-child a decent romp in the bedroom after I've tucked the kiddos in bed (granted what he does to me when I'm asleep is his business); so how am I expected to run a decent blog here folks? It certainly doesn't help that Attila the IT henchman has blocked nearly all social networking sites from the office. I mean, its almost like they expect me to -work- whenever I show up to my livelihood. Next thing you know, they'll want me to stop bagging up my underwear in little ziplock lunchbags for sale to perverts on the Japanese internet while on the job. Seriously folks, just how many perks can you take away from a girl?

While bitching is my God-given right, one I exercise on a daily basis mind you, I have come up with a solution - a weekly blog. Sure it won't be the biggest load of daily limp-wristed twaddle this side of the Theologian's Cafe does Dallas, but it just might sate my daily desire to hump the keyboard and perhaps provide a little more Blue to you good people of the intertube. Surely a week will be long enough to prep and dance my pinkies across my jelly-stained keyboard, but will attempt #427 be successful?  Only time will tell. Expect me when you see me, but hopefully every Sunday night...

Today's Positive: I'm feeling mostly positive. Oh, and I got a new car in September.

Today's Negative: Tomorrow is Monday. Ick! I already have a smoldering case of the Mondays...

Currently It's Not Me, It's You By Lily Allen see related

Fix it like a girl!

So I had an old Handspring Visor Edge laying around, pretty basic as far as PDA's are concerned, but at the amazingly low-low cost of free...who wouldn't love to shove it in their purse and go? Classic aluminum styling, (reasonably) big storage, and it meets my employers requirement for not using using any internet on the job other than theirs. Unfortunately it was deader than disco. I'd put it on the charger, reset it five-times from Sunday, but notta. It wasn't turning on. A few $20 "diagnostic" trips to the PDA repair store yielded nothing other than getting mentally undressed by the burly man at the counter (****** didn't even buy me dinner first), but no PDA love. Still I wasn't about to throw the towel in, so I risked a cool $3.82 on ePay and bought a battery. Got it in the mail yesterday and, thanks to some itty-bitty eyeglasses screwdrivers, managed to install it. Nope. Still nothing.

Grrrr!!!  

Not one to be outdone by 7oz of plastic and glass, I took it apart again. Three cans of compressed air and a half-hour later, I'd given it probably the best blow job I'd given since before getting married, but no...no dice. I took it apart again and checked everything. "beep" Huh? Are you alive there little fella? The screen was still blank, but it'd given me a small audible grunt of satisfaction, so I knew I was on the right trail. Once again I took the top off and checked all its jubbly bits. Oddly enough, it started working once it was topless. Go figure! I re-clothed it and tried it again, but once again it was squarely in dead-fish mode. For the longest time I didn't get it. I'd turned it on, touched it in all the right places, stripped it naked, and still it refused to perform. I'm reminded of my ex-boyfriend.

Performs when topless but goes limp fish when clothed, what gives? I started researching online a bit and came up with nothing...that is until I picked some heart stickers off my shirt. The whole time I'd been working on this infernal PDA, my 5-year old was sticking little heart stickers all over me. Hmmm. I took one off and used it as insolation between the exposed circuits and the backing.

Success! Naturally I wasn't sure just how many heart stickers to put on the back of my PDA, so I employed the proven girly-tech method...I used an entire sheet's worth! Up down and all over the back end and underside of the PDA. Not only did my little 6" wonder come alive and start working, but thanks to the backing securely screwed on...I'm PDA-ing in style (and now with protection too)!

I wonder if this approach would fix my car? 

Today's Positive: While I can't drop the oblitigory "I'm back" ball on the blogoverse, I can say that I'm making an effort to do so. Things have been absolute hell last few months, sadly not in a funny way.

Today's Negative: It may be a few more weeks before I'm ready to tackle the everyday grind of daily blogging again. Bear with me and, while I won't promise you won't be disappointed, I can promise I won't leave a burning bag of very stinky kitty poo on each and every one of your doorsteps...

Currently Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast) By Stephen Schwartz, Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel see related

Bad Blogging 101

Clearly my blogging rhythm seems to have been dropped as if it'd been run over by a drunken yobbo in a Ford Pinto, but when exactly did it happen? When did I become a bad blogger? I could cite excuses like the ozone layer or my children, of course, my miserable excuse for a job putting the kibosh on blog city. Its terrible, I'm actually expected to work@work! The fact of the matter is I probably could get up a few minutes early or stay up a few minutes late to surf a narly blog, but the reasons behind my lapse boils down to a simple truth; I tend to blog when I find that its convenient.

In fact, don't we all? 
 
Sure, you might try pointing out that no one else who has children complains about the lack of blog-worthy opportunities and, in fact, somehow manager to blog on a regular basis. True. You might even claim that, if the anklebiters require that much of my time, perhaps I shouldn't have had them in the first place; but I wouldn’t recommend this approach unless you want to know what it feels like to be hit in the face with a shovel. The sad truth is that even with two jobs and two children (three if you count my husband), I find the seventeen minutes of free time I get each night between or after work are best spent peeing, brushing my teeth...or anything else that my twisted and often warped mind can conceive of behind the locked doors of either my bedroom or in my master bathroom.
 
Naturally then, it comes down to both time and convenience. Sadly, despite the evidence pointing to the contrary, it seems lately that I've got neither. In the words of Prince Humperdinck, I'm swamped! Thankfully my schedule is changing soon, but in the meantime...it seems like Mojave-sucking-on-a-cactus-when-I'm-able-to-blogging. I wonder if its possible to farm my blogging needs out to a Malaysian sweat shop somewhere? Made to order blogging out of a Japanese vending machine? Perhaps I could hijack another blogger or perhaps hire a blogging subcontracter? Certainly its worth consideration. In the meantime, I leave you with these unalienable truths I've discovered:

• Sneezing and a full bladder do not play well together and never ends well.
• There is nothing that cannot be fixed without a butter knife, duct tape, or ipecac.
• Two children cannot sit on top of the refrigerator...but one evidently can.
• Finger painting is a good hobby.
• Finger painting the cat is not.
• A little girl's easy-bake oven makes the absolute best hot dogs.
• He's going to look at other boobs occasionally. Get used to it.
• Hersey's syrup and a wicked imagination goes a long way.
• The pressure from 27 flamming-hot "Suicide" wings and the dangling of your bottom over a public toliet immediately after is probably not a good combination.
• Alone time with sweets tends to make you wax philosophical: If I eat this wedge of cheesecake and no one is here to see it, did I really eat it?
• Ignorance is bliss, particularly when you find panties superglued to the fishtank.
• We are not the masters of our own destiny...or where the cat decides to vomit.
• Anyone who says chocolate is better than sex is eating chocolate laced with cocaine.
• Cynicism is great fun!
• If it looks like cake, tastes like cake and smells like cake...it's not always cake.

Today's Positive: Got out of work today and almost kissed the ground. Literally. 

Today's Negative: Got home this evening to find a boat in my back yard. No, literally a boat. Evidently some asshat was dumping an old Gilligan's Island boat, tied it to a tree in the back alley, and then drove their truck out from under it. So now I'm stuck with a crapped out 50's motorboat sitting back there that I cannot move and the city doesn't feel the need to tow off. Yahoo! I lead an interesting life.

Currently All That You Can't Leave Behind By U2 see related

Blogging without words

Today's Positive: So far today I've managed not to strangle, behead, maim, injure, rough up, scatter, smother, cover, dice, chunk, pepper, filet, feed to the piranhas, slap, scalp, twist, tease, light on fire, shave, or apply a 45-volt nipple clamp to any of my coworkers today. Now thats what I call progress!

Today's Negative: I'm trying Monday without coffee. So far, so good I'd say. 

Currently Dark Side Of The Moon By Pink Floyd see related