There I was skimming through the cable "pay-per-view" menu when I, rather unexpectedly, came across a provoking preview for a slightly stereotypical pornographic movie that promised to be more invigorating than a high colonic and a Pepsi cola. True enough, the prospect of mentally getting into someone else's pants (without having to launder them later) does have a strong theoretical appeal; except I'm not really into porn. In fact I've never been a fan watching two sweaty college freshman doing their best to immitate Mick Jaggar's face. Even I can recognize the irony of that statement considering how much I joke about related topics on one hand and yet use the other to pull up a relatively saggy pair of Levi's that seems to enjoy showing off my veritical smile; but it still is a fact. Afficionados, on the other hand, claim you can't knock it until you've tried it (no doubt several times behind the closed doors of their parents basement); but clearly this makes about as much sense as saying that you can't knock a poorly lit truck stop toliet seat until you've after developed an embarrassing itch. Naturally this line of thought begs for some good old fashioned research, except again...seeing any boobs beyond my own on video rates high on the "eww" meter. Thankfully there are others in the office who were all too eager to explain exactly what I've been missing out on (and seeing as I had a good twenty minutes to burn off the afternoon work clock), I happily grabbed a clipboard and proceeded to query the lunchroom in the name of "reseach". A few of the highlights: "Does the term 'money-shot' mean anything to you? I'd explain it more detail but somehow that look your giving me says you'd either not get it...or file a sexual discrimination suit on me."
- Brett, 42, happily divorced for 17 years "Only occasionally, you know, when the wife isn't interested in whats going on down there. You know what I mean? That'd be about every 28 days...get it? Oh nevermind."
- Michael, 24, married "Porn is like...so disgusting."
- Lisa, 30, dating "I like to pretend that I accidently found it or stumbled across it by mistake on the web. Oh my! Who put that on my screen? Oh well, its already there, might as well enjoy it."
- Margie, 28, engaged "Oh hell yes! I practically put Larry Flint's kids through college all by myself. Wait, does he have kids? Well someone's kids can thank me...I guess its the thought that counts."
- Joshua, 72, widower "Dude. You can stare at the cows on the wall at the cracker barrell and be miserable or you can go find one and milk it yourself. Simple math. Porn is for losers, pedophiles, and preachers."
- Mac, 38, single (and likes it that way) What was weird isn't what I discovered, its what I didn't. Despite the "enhancement" claim made by porn enthusiasts, instead of massive ape-like solo monkey spanking, is that porn actually brings couples together; yet none of my complete and thorough lunchroom queries found any evidence to suggest the viewing of did anything but cause the average man to pop like a bag of microwave popcorn in under two to five minutes. In fact, while exceptions to the rule probably exist, for the most part it appears to be a solo-sport. Its that to say that low-rent porn involving girls with double-D's and ejaculate that spurts out like a fire hose is necessarily a bad thing? Ethics aside, its hard to say. But speaking only for myself, I would imagine when you take your eyes out of the real world and start focusing on the fantasy world; disappointment is likely to be the last thing that pops up as a result. What about you? Do you porn?  Today's Positive: Got home this afternoon to find an entire bag of Ghirardelli chocolates tucked next to my computer. Wow! Naturally I'll be sharing them with absolutely nobody. Nope, all mine. Weee! Today's Negative: Sat down this morning around 9am and the seat in my pants totally ripped out. Thankfully I had a long sweater on and nobody around noticed. I totally lucked out on that one! | 
