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Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!
I can appreciate that at nearly 300lbs plus with that protruding monkey-like overbite of yours along with a highway patrolman's moustache (clearly what all the big girls are wearing this year!), you probably can't afford… -
Your doing it wrong
My intolerance for the dumpster-diving subculture aside, I must confess to having mixed feelings towards having my own trash picked through, although if you must go pilfering in your neighbor's trash; 4am would probably … -
Customer no-service
Clearly you'd think I had beer-flavored nipples or my body was a chocolate-covered Rolls-Royce from the way the customer service guy mentally undressed me before looking back up at my face again, licking his lips, and ac… -
Trust my technolust
Apparently, the support industry is supposed to be the fifth biggest industry in the world right after automobiles, cigarettes, cocaine and of course arms...and when I say arms; naturally I mean guns and missiles seeing … -
Giving good head (a double entendre)
If I had a dollar for every time I've been invited to a "bible study" to help ease my panties off under the guise of spirituality, I'd probably have a good $18.00 to spend after tithe. Don't get me wrong, I like most Chr… -
I want distracted driving
One minute I'm cruising on down the highway wondering if I wore my psychic-proof underwear seeing as the Toyota Prius behind me is desperately trying to communicate telepathically with my ass, my gearbox in overdrive and… -
Lamer than FDR's legs
If somehow you were able to pry my cold Pepsi out of my deathgrip and convince me to describe myself in a mirror this morning, I would probably be somewhere in between in that no-man's-land between consciousness and a dr… -
A massive burst of fire from the ordinary gun
Outside of convincing my eccentric hairdresser that I lack a pornographic-bloated hard drive and a wardrobe full of track suits, I can't help but notice the lights go out in her holier-than-thou eyes everytime I ask for … -
Duller than a dollar menu sandwich
While I maintain that (almost) anything consumed underneath the golden arches is just about as appetizing as playing pattycake with Jay Leno's man boobs, the very concept of allowing my children to drag me to the clown h… -
Temporary girlfriend invoice
While the rollercoaster of your love life does get just a bit more hairy than a sasquatch on rogaine considering its had more ups and downs than an 80-year old man with a swollen prostate, it has come to my attention tha…
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Fix it like a girl!
So I had an old Handspring Visor Edge laying aroun... -
Bad Blogging 101
Clearly my blogging rhythm seems to have been drop... -
Blogging without words
&n...
